Colonics for Dummies

(One of the neat things about WordPress is that you can see the search strings people use to find your blog. I’m a little scared of what this post will turn up, but what can you do?)

I may have previously mentioned that the Girl Roommate is a little crazy. Luckily, she’s crazy in an entertaining way, not anI-have-to-sleep-with-a-knife-under-my-pillow way.  A few days ago, we were both hanging around the apartment, watching TV, and she announces that she’s going to give herself a colonic.  Because “Ah’ve always wanted one, but Ah’m too cheap to go get one, so I got this stuff that my mom drank before her colonoscopy.”  Also, you can lose up to three pounds.

Yes.  I live with a girl whose life-long ambition, apparently, is to give her lower intestines that new fresh car smell.  I think my life has descended to new depths of absurdity.  I mean, not only does it sound gross and exceedingly uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure the human digestive system, barring disease or physical damage, is actually quite efficient at expelling…waste.  But who knows?  Maybe she really needed that dime she swallowed back in 1987.

So, that’s how it came to pass that I was sitting on my couch, watching my roommate drink a bottle of cherry-flavored saline laxative.  And then get on the phone with her mom, because “Ah’m drinking this stuff, and Ah think it’s the right one but it doesn’t make me puke and you said it made you puke.  I could drink this all night!”

I love my mom, but one of the tacit rules underpinning our relationship is that THERE SHOULD BE NO DISCUSSING OF THE POOP! NO NONONOnononono! NO!

I went to bed while she was still on the couch, complacently flipping through Entertainment Weekly.  I didn’t want to witness the “poop party.”