I Like Lists

Why Avocado is Better than a Boyfriend:

• Avocado always leaves me satisfied.
• It adapts readily to different cuisines/surroundings.
• Even when it’s $2/avocado, it’s still cheaper than a Greyhound ticket to Hartford.
• It meshes well with others, but is just as good alone.
• It knows when to be tender.
• It used to be a popular color scheme in the 1970s.
• Mashed up, you can use it as a face mask.
• Avocado is good for your heart.

Why A Pet Rock is Better than a Boyfriend:

• You never have to feed a pet rock. Or its friends.
• A pet rock will hold a door open for you.
• If a prowler breaks in, you can use a pet rock to bash his head in.
• A pet rock doesn’t hog the remote.
• A pet rock doesn’t pick its nose in public.
• You can’t get a disease from a pet rock.

Why A Really Well-Made Potholder is Better than a Boyfriend:

• A really well-made potholder matches your kitchen decor.
• In a pinch, you can use a really well-made potholder as a hand towel.
• A really well-made potholder doesn’t leave you burned.
• When it gets dirty, you can throw a really well-made potholder in the wash.
• A really well-made potholder doesn’t whine about cuddling after sex.

Why Sesame Seeds Are Better than a Boyfriend:

• You can’t get a boyfriend-seed bagel. Or maybe you can, but I would not eat it.
• If you say, “Open, boyfriend!” no one will understand you.
• Boyfriends are not rich in manganese, copper, calcium, Vitamin B1 (thiamine), Vitamin E (tocopherol), and powerful antioxidants.
• Tahini! You can fry things in sesame seed oil. Fried things = GOOD.
• The worst thing a sesame seed does is get stuck in your teeth, at which point you get some floss and the problem is taken care of. Also, there are plenty more where that one came from.
• You can use sesame seed oil for a massage. Crappy boyfriends just rub aimlessly for two minutes before getting bored.
• Stir-fry & sushi!

And in other news of What the Fuck?

A friend of mine just sent me a link to this story:

A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called “Gay Bomb.”

This all apparently went down in 1994. It’s still so wrong on so many levels, my head hasn’t stopped exploding. Offensive, yes, obviously, but it’s also just so dumb. As my friend noted, “This is what you get for hiring the no-evolution “science” majors.”

Also, the non-history majors. I have three words for you: Greek Military History. As in, what someone did not study. I have another three words: Alexander the Great. Also, Sparta. Liking the butt sex did not stop the Greeks from conquering most of the known world.

"And it was THIS BIG!"

I know this was a couple months ago, but I just saw a Reuters clip of this story that showed up on my Google home page. The world’s tallest man, Bao Xishun (7ft 9 in), pledged his troth to Xia Shujian, a comparatively diminutive 5 ft 6 in.

Talk about your size queens.

But I can’t be the only the only one who wondered if everything is proportional. Though would that be better or worse? If he had normal sized, uh, junk, it’d look teeny on an 8 ft frame. But if it were proportional…holy God, he could break someone.

And these are the things I wonder about while I’m at work.